can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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