How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Randomize
