Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
