I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Life is so much better after having sex.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
