I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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