So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize