I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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