there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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