WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize