me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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