chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
