Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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