Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
