I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
