i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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