So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
