dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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