Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
