btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
