tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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