Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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