Yo dont text me then not text me
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Randomize
