pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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