His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
