I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
