I think i peed on brittanys purse
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
