Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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