I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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