You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
