Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Randomize
