I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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