im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
