Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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