Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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