Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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