I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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