textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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