that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
