lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
