so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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