Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
