it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
