I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
