The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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