the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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