Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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