its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
