I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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