He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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