I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize