Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
