mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
