His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We had sex on a dog bed..
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
