I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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