I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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