so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
