once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
