Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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