OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
