so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
