I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
