i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
my poor anus
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
