Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
